ART BIZARRE

Paintings have been arrested, put in jail

2006-02-28T18:28:00.000-08:00

1. A private owner of a few Canalleto works wishes to sell and make some dough.

2. Someone outside of Brittan, in the big blue world, wants to buy these extremely expensive and extremely boring works.

3. Brittan finds the works so arresting and important to it's tortured history that it prohibits said paintings to leave the country.

Ahhh, I love a free market.

BBC News reports:

"Experts told the Department for Culture, Media and Sport the paintings were of such national importance it should try to keep them in the UK. "

"About Â£6m is needed to match an offer received from abroad to ensure the paintings remain. "

"The National Gallery has called on the government to set up an emergency fund to prevent them going abroad, saying museums do not have the money to save art for the nation."

"Their private owner was originally turned down for an export licence in December and must once again wait and see if a British buyer is found. "

Called on the government to set up an emergency fund???? For art??? I'm an art lover, and even claim to be an "artist" at times, but what the hell is this? Have they run out of starving children to feed?

A man and his plane...

2006-02-10T16:55:00.000-08:00

A unique story. Artist Vik Muniz directed his new art project this February in the Miami sky.

Vik Muniz, known for wasting tons of money and giving complete cretins jobs to fund their cocaine addictions, was on the scene as his new project took shape. Vik, with the help of Wayne Mansfield, a professional skywriter, was creating clouds in the Florida sky. I know that Florida is probably in need of some good cloud cover these days, but Vik wasn't doing this as philanthropist. He was simply making art, whatever that is these days.

Now, to completely contradict myself, I'd like to say that somehow, someway, this idea seems sort of cool. Painting pretty clouds in the sky with the aid of a small yellow plane is quite romantic. Something about it makes me smile and wish to see the creations. But what really got me about the story is the skywriter, not the artist.

Wayne Mansfield is one of only half-a-dozen skywriters in the country. Just a handful of boys scrawling messages across the sky. Mansfield comes from a family of pilots, and had his first solo at age 13. Seven years later he sky-wrote his first word ("fly").

"It's difficult to make a living on a medium that requires clear days," Mansfield says. Clouds can quickly cover his canvas. A brief shower will erase his hard work. If there's snow on the ground, it feels as though he's writing with an invisible marker. He can't see the letters against the white background.

Skywriting originated in England around World War I. Maj. John C. Savage of the Royal Air Force used smoke from airplanes to send military signals over long distances.

Skywriting was first used for advertising when Capt. Cyril Turner wrote "Daily Mail" over England in May of 1922. In October of that year he wrote "Hello USA" above New York.

Mansfield once drew a peace symbol over Boston in 1969. He also pulled a banner from a desperate mother aimed at her runaway daughter, a message that brought the girl home. The longest phrase he's ever written was over Toronto in December 1970: "War is over if you want it Happy Xmas from John and Oko," was commissioned by John Lennon and his wife. But the most difficult symbols to write aren't letters, he says - they're numerals: 2 and 5 are really tough.

I think I love him.

Hitler's "art" for sale!

2006-02-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

Apparently Hitler was a very prolific, and great artist. In fact, he was so good that he had to kill millions of Jews to get his pride back after all those rejection letters.

TWENTY-one watercolours and sketches by Adolf Hitler are to be auctioned after 70 years in a suitcase in a Belgian attic.The collection was apparently produced between 1916 and 1918 when the young Hitler was a corporal during the Great War.
The works, to be auctioned at Jefferys in Lostwithiel, in southwest England, are expected to fetch up to $238,000, Britain's Sunday Telegraph reported yesterday.

Among the watercolours are one of a church and another a hastily-erected barracks in pastel shades. They show little trace of the war raging around the scenes.

Hmm, I wonder who the buyers for this "art" will be? Jimmy Carter? Hillary Clinton? Ben Afflec? Maybe a few sociopaths in a mental ward would be interested? I'll give them a call just in case.

And as you can tell by the drawing attached, Hitler was quite the master. In fact the only other person I know who can draw so well is probably my 3 year old nephew who still plays with his own poop.

Source

Man Claims Public Urination Was Performance Art

2006-01-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

Uh huh. Public Urination is now art. I see. Thank you very much for giving me a bit of notice.

Danish artist Uwe Max Jensen has been fined about $165 for peeing in public.
But Jensen denies the allegation. He said what he did was a performance art piece. He claimed he just pretended to pee against a wall, by squirting water from a plastic bag.

Wow, the worlds this opens up. Finally we can do anything, ANYTHING, and just call it performance art. Maybe I can stand outside the local McD's and whack people with a baseball bat as they walk in. "What officer? It was just performance art. Of course you wouldn't understand, you're just a red state simpleton, how could I expect any more from one such as yourself!". "Just so you know Mr. Cop sir, I graduated from Berkeley, I know what I'm talking about, at least my professors told me that I know, and I know they know, otherwise they wouldn't be tenured. What is that officer? I'm a jackass? Well I'll have to think about that, my teachers weren't exactly clear on whether I am or am not one."

LA Art Dealers Conspire

2006-01-20T15:01:00.000-08:00

LA art thieves, I mean art dealers, meet up.

"Last Wednesday I attended a special event hosted by Louis Stern for Los Angeles art dealers. Somewhat of a meet-and-greet, it was a wonderful gesture extended out to the many gallerists/dealers working in this city - the conversation was great and the food (and drink) were fabulous. Maybe this is the first step towards an association for LA art dealers." ABLA

What?? An association for LA art dealers?? Is that like a union for art snobs? Oh god, now these cockroaches actually want to band together. The only safety we had is by keeping them in competition with each other, but now they want to band together. The homeless bum on the corner was right, Armageddon really is here.

Dada's Doo Doo

2006-01-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

Duchamp's famous Urinal Art Piece vandalized! Oh god!

Marcel Duchamp’s 1917 porcelain urinal art piece, “Fountain,” was damaged by a 76-year-old performance artist. He attacked the $3.6 million "Fountain" at the Pompidou Center in Paris with a hammer, causing a chip that has to be repaired. Shortnews.com

Hmmm...maybe this is the David Syndrome rearing it's ugly head. Or maybe the last toilet he used had a "little accident", and he was just getting back at da man, or the toilet. Who can be sure.

The attacker's reasoning for the incident was that he was doing performance art that might have pleased Dada artists, which was the theme of the exhibit.

Ahh, I see. He was just doing to art what art has done to us, crazy yet strangely brave. But we all know Duchamp had it coming, foolin all those fools who mistook the urinal as Michelangelo's Pieta.

THIS IS QUITE EMBARRASSING

2006-01-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

The day has come children. Sony is using "street art" as advertising. The Seattle Times states that what looks like artful vandalism, is really part of a guerrilla marketing campaign for Sony's PlayStation Portable, a device that can play games, music and movies.

The images are painted directly onto building walls in urban areas, graffiti-style. Wide-eyed kids, portrayed in a stylized, comic-book rendering, pose with a mysterious, hand-size gadget. One licks his like a lollipop. Another is playing paddleball with the thing.

Well, I'm just confused about this whole thing. Somehow it all seems so gross and dirty, yet at the same time pure brilliance. The teens these days are so stupid, that they may actually go for this crap. I mean these advertising geniuses sit in an office all day, every day, thinking of new ways to dupe the teen generation. And believe you me, they are using those brains wisely.

I've heard recently that "kids" are getting hip to the groove, and are quite savvy in our modern times, but I'd like to disagree. Now I know that a 3 year old can hack a computer these days, and everyone young and old has seen Paris Hilton's sex tape, but I don't call this savvy. I've been a kid, and it was quite recently. So I can still remember what they're all about, at least I think I can still remember, if only I could remember where I put my pills. So to continue, I will just state the facts, Kids are deficient in the frontal lobe department, and most likely in the rear lobe as well. I'm telling you that teens are some of the most brainless people on the planet, they rank right up there with newborns, babies with sex drives. So I'm pretty sure that these baby devils will eat this shit up. What?!?!? Sony will outlive us all and own our souls?!?!?! yep. All because the teens don't have a clue who Picasso, Da Vinci, Van Gogh, and all the others are. Sony will paint fake graffiti, on the walls they payed for, and kids will look and wonder at the coolness of the tags. Lowest common denominator children, pay attention.

Kids don't want to be individuals, they want to be exactly like their classmates. They don't want to wonder what the hell that crap is on the walls with the SONY logo, they just want to be cool and "fit in". Well then, there goes the planet.

Of Man or Monkey

2005-12-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time we may all have been monkeys. We may have even enjoyed it. But in this day and age, we rule, and as the wise little children on the playground taught me, they drool. We human, they animal. I hope I've made my point clear so far.

Apperently, in some places on this earth, there are people who still believe that we are ONE with the primate, we are brothers from another mother so to speak. And you know, the most interesting thing of all is that usually these "people" come not from distant, far away, backwards countries. Nope, they usually are bred in a fine place we like to call the U S of A.

But it doesn't stop there, not only do these "people" believe we are blood brothers of the ape, they also seem to believe that monkeys, just as Picasso, have some innate talent for art. Give a chimp a painting and he will defacate all over it, but teach a chimp to paint and he will become the next rising star in the New York meat market, oops, I meant to say art market.

According to NewKerala.com, a German ART EXPERT, Dr. Schneider, director of some shmutsy art museum in some god forgotten festering cesspool of rot, was recently left red-faced when he discovered that the painting he thought had been made by a Guggenheim Prize winning painter, Ernst Wilhelm Nay, was actually the work of a chimpanzee at the Halle Zoo.

Really, this little article could say so many things about the world we live in. But I choose to focus on the one thing that sticks out to me. The fact that we have lost our minds to such an extent that the smears of a monkey actually resemble the work of a not-too-shabby artist, well that ladies and men, is just too much for me to swallow so early in the afternoon.

Art Makes Vandals of Us All

2005-11-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here, reading my art updates, rolling my eyes, and steering my brain away from thoughts of sex with a new beloved. And what do my baby greens land on, this lovely article from Reuters. Apparently in Rome they have found a new syndrome that seems to affect only Americans. Yes surry bob, you heard it here last, The David Syndrome. And yes, that is David ala Michelangelo. Apparently this David syndrome can provoke an overwhelming desire to damage the art being viewed. Kind of like that strong desire I always find myself with, to strangle Hillary Duff when I hear her "art it up" with her cruel cruel singing.

The David Syndrome is brought to us by the same person who brought us the better known Stendhal Syndrome, which causes viewers of art to be physically overcome by their reaction to the art, sometimes leading to hospitalisation. This person obviously has too much time and too much stolen money (taxes) on their hands.

I don't know guys, sometimes these little studies are interesting, make us glance twice, or laugh. Maybe this is one of them, it most definitely made me laugh. But come on, seriously? These people seriously, with a completely straight face, take taxpayer money and study some fool's reaction to the statue of David? And then come back with findings stating that even though 20% of all gallery goers are affected, most keep control over themselves. Only one man has been found so traumatized by David that he smashed the statues' foot with a hammer. A whole study to figure out that crazy loons do exist and they do sometimes carry hammers? I think I got that message from watching Beverly Hills 90210 when I was 14.

Sitting and watching reactions to art is fun when you're resting on one of those cold museum leather couches. You can sit and admire the boredom in a young child's eyes, or the confusion in an old lady's face when the art tape she's holding to her ear doesn't match the painting she's looking at. Truly priceless stuff, but I don't want George Bush to throw some money my way so I can pretend that I'm doing "work" on new afflictions. Get a clue people, go build a bridge or something.

Hell, here we come!!

2005-11-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

I told you it was all the rage to hang prisoner's art on your walls. It would be better to hang the actual prisoner, but those sweet days are long gone. The Science Daily has reported that the art of convicted killers will be auctioned off online by The Fortune Society, who's oh-so-clever slogan is Building People Not Prisons.

A serial sex slayer, Alfred Gaynor, will display his original piece (shown above) titled A Righteous Man's Reward. A righteous man's reward??? What the hell??? Let me roll that through my brain once again just to hear the sirens go off, a righteous man's reward, um um good. Bidding will start at $15. Come one come all, and bring your friends, we're trying to build people here, not prisons! And just a little more incentive for you, in the wonderful state of Massachusetts, and by wonderful I mean God-forsaken, criminals are allowed to profit from their notoriety. Sounds like I know what I'm doing for the rest of my weekends. Sorry boys, no time for dates, I've got to build people!!

A funny thing is that I used to date a criminal who proclaimed to be an artist. This guy was only in the slammer for selling dope, but none-the-less, a criminal he was. So apparently many murderers and rapists and druggies and kidnappers, can scribble some junk on paper, SO WHAT!!! God Damn people, get a clue, these aren't the days of William Sydney Porter. These are the monsters that terrorize our world, these are the dogs who make us take self defense classes and check our doors fifty times. These people should be executed and forgotten as soon as possible, not given fame, riches, and validation. Good grief.

And What Have We Here

2005-11-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

According to the Liverpool Daily Post, art work created by criminals is in vogue. Not only is it fashionable to purchase your very own Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Kaczynski, but it is also very therapeutic to the criminal mind. The Home Office (don't mistake that for The Home Depot, or The Office Max), has purchased 77 original "art works" by none other than the scum of the earth. Not only that, but apparently they used real money, not that Monopoly stuff. Real money that hard working people slaved to earn, only to have it ceremoniously ripped out of their hands, and generously donated into the blood stained claws of those who terrorize our society. So yeah, apparently the cows have come home to roost, or the pigs have learned to drive or something. And also apparently I have been asleep in a glass coffin for an eternity, cuz I don't remember the world being so crazy back in 1995 (the good old days). We watched movies like Fried Green Tomatoes and Space Balls, and everything was well in the cosmos. Criminals spent their days in jail, being pleasured by Big Frank from Cell Block 3, and artists painted in their studio apartments the size of jail cells. Hmm, maybe I'm wrong, maybe the artist and the criminal really are the same. But riddle me this Batman, who would you rather run into in a dark alley, a skinny, malnourished, paint splattered "artist", or a skinny, malnourished, blood splattered crimi?

So as per usual, the world is in a tailspin straight to hell, yay us.